Butterflies.

I miss the butterflies.

I miss that thing when you wake up in the morning feeling jumpy to get out of bed. The day just started. The skies just cracked for some sun rays to leak out. You haven't brushed your teeth or washed your face. And yet, you are happy. Like there's always something to look forward to.

The butterflies come around with some "automatic happiness". That thing where you don't have to go nuts figuring out what would make you happy. Just like being a kid. You want ice cream, then there's no boggling the mind out. You go run to momma and ask for icecream.

It is the time when happiness becomes a given. It takes form. It becomes visible. It becomes tangible. Hence, becomes easier to generate. Being able to identify a desired outcome comes with a stack of means to achieve it. It's like wanting to go somewhere and instantaneously knowing the route how to get there.

It is the time when happiness is simplified. Just one smile, one look, one touch, and you feel like zooming out like a wild jet plane. You feel like you're in the movies headed towards some more sappy scenes and a happy ending. Or maybe you don't feel like you're headed towards any end at all. You feel so alive, like there's no kind of death, or any idea of an end lurking around. It feels so safe. It makes you feel so secured, as if you've got all that you need.

But sometimes, you just get snapped out of that fairytale. You become burnt out. Like you just wanna slack off on the bed all day. Or walk by the sidewalk alone at night, and drown in anonymity. Sometimes, the butterflies just go away and you find yourself always sleepy. And demands, expectations, and all them shit standards you have to live up to start to get irritating that you just wanna shut yourself out from all of the world. And you find yourself so tired, like you're floating away in a mindless state of irregularity. You don't know what you want to eat. Where you wanna go. How to be happy. You feel so bummed you can't entertain anybody who walks in to be entertained. All you want is a way out from all the bustle.

And thats how I feel now. I've been oversleeping these days. Eating just whenever I remember I got stomach to feed. Taking in toxins of different kinds. Finding a bunch of people to go out with, whom I could just be not that entertaining. You know, comfortable people whom you think can handle your silence and all that floating-away kinda thing. Unfortunately, they are scarce. So most of the time, I'm conversing with the white screen like this, or strumming and plucking strings.

I miss the butterflies. I miss being in love.