I hate to sound like I'm 53 but I'm really not excited about my
birthday. I was not keeping track of the calendar. I was not thinking
about what to do on my birthday.
I was not even thinking about the birthday.
But since my mom have cut off my ignorance and amputated my bliss of not
knowing last Sunday, I got reconnected to the program that is unstoppably
coming real soon. Now what to do- she posed to me. And I've never gotten so
anxious about any of my birthdays since the last 19 years.
I actually tried to be honest with her and told her I would not do
anything on my birthday.
To make it a little less shocking for her old-fashioned mind frame, I
used the word "reflect" on my birthday. But she laughed at what she
thought was a joke, and my Dad kidded about how I was becoming much like a
philosopher.
Seriously, I'm not up for it. My life is not just on the upbeat lately,
and my mind is into a lot of chaos. And turning a year older with a
preoccupation that concerns my life as whole only adds to the chaos that's
already here. I'm twenty years old in four days, and then? Would my life go
back to zero and flip out a squeaky clean blank page for me to start again? It
only means I'm running out of time. I'm getting older, and it's getting impossible
to create some heavenly bastion of freedom from here.
The truth is I’m uneasy. I have to live up to a lot of pressure. And I
don’t even know if I’d be able to tailor this life into what has been a fine
dream for me. The authorities are tailoring it the way they want it, and I’m
having the time of my life translating it a miserable plot. Everything seems
bulldozing me, I can't even keep a birthday the way I want it.
And I’m catching a deadline. Soon, real soon, the authorities would be
looking at me condescendingly- how I got dumped out of my course, worked my ass
to get back, and still extended for a year more in college, just when virtually
anyone who knows me saw me as a promise. But check out the forecast, now a
broken promise I am. And it breaks my heart like that. It crushes me how I
disappointed the people who matter to me by being the disappointment myself.
And I have four days to launch the grand reality. Expecting that their
acceptance would be the birthday gift.
But if there's something I'd like to do on the day, just to give it a
thought, it is to but get away from everything. To cut off the reception for
just one day- out, literally out, of anybody's access. I want to disappear from
everything that is. Just for once. I'd like to be given the freedom to not
think of anything, not even my birthday. The liberty to sleep on what is dubbed
a ceremonious rite, to not take a bath, or mind any physical self care, to walk
around like a nomadic creature who owns the world, and get disconnected from
the program that has brought to being demons of pressure and anxiety. For once,
God- Destiny, Controller, Transcendent, Universe, Cosmos- take me away into
some solemn couch of private peace. And you'd be giving me the best birthday
present ever in the history of my history.
Yea I know I don't have the means to get on a jet and fly through
another zip code, and plunge into some "Eat, Pray, Love" journey like
that. But I really don't think I want to get myself something
overstated. I doubt if I would even like to tip out a penny for a tiny
cake and a teeny candle. Maybe I just want to fly a metaphorical balloon on
that day. A balloon that is the 24th of September this year, flying away into
blue skies and then out of sight. Just like that. And forget I’m twenty in
four.
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